the past few weeks have been extremely hard. z started preschool and it quickly became clear to my heart and gut that it wasn't the right time but my brain and "vision" has had a hard time sorting things out. She is home with me now. im not sure what else is going on with myself. i cant pin point one specific thing. all i know is that everything is slightly off. and to be slightly "off" is hard. i cant sleep, im exhausted. i cry over stupid things yet get angry at small infractions. i want to run but i have no desire to leave. its all wishy washing, cloudy, foggy and yet very raw at times.
i feel the need to say something out loud but feel too vulnerable to write too much.
i having a loving and patient husband, i have a smart helpful mother. every so often i feel the person i want to be shining through just a little so i know all hope isn't lost of finding her.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
prayer
Prayer has always been apart of my life.
Both talking to Jesus and saying structured prayers, like the Our Father or Hail Mary.
I have asked people to pray for me in a wide arrange of topics and I know that there have been people that have prayed for me using their own discernment of what I needed prayer for.
I pray for people.
I have developed a prayer journal where I list the people I need/want to pray for and I try to carve out a few moments everyday to read the pages.
Its nothing fancy or sacred. Its a small notebook from target. My kids at various times have gotten ahold of it and it has had pages torn out, that are now loose in the note book. It has scribbles in it and food stains as well. I keep it ontop of our little 13inch TV in our room.
Its not a holy spot set up for formal meditation. It is a place that my notebook landed when I was trying to keep it away from my kids, which still works since my kids eyes aren't that tall yet. But it has become the home for my "prayer time." My kids still cant reach it and it is tall enough to be comfortable for me to read standing up.
I don't have a set time each day to pray out of my prayer journal. It happens when it catches my eye as I am walking through my room, usually with Bailey in my arms trying to pick up the house.
I recently had someone ask me something that I have NEVER had anyone ask me and it has left a lasting impression on me.
"HOW CAN WE PRAY FOR YOU?"
as in what do you want us to pray for you about? I guess we as people are sometimes bashful in asking for specific prayer or we complain about something and ask people to pray for us in a broad sense. But I have never thought to ask someone what they want ME to pray for them about. like a shopping list , "hey I'm going to the store do you need anything?" "yeah can you pick me up a loaf of bread... the daily bread by trader joes, green label, its on the bottom shelf, second rack from the dips" specific like that.
It has got me thinking alot more about prayer and has made me reflect alot more on what is God's will for my life at this time. I often feel like I am battling what God wants me to do. I cant imagine myself doing anything other than what I'm doing(OK well I sometimes FANTASIZE about doing something else but I cant imagine myself actually doing it) but I often feel like I'm failing at what I am currently doing and there in lies the struggle, the battle. I don't have any clever sentence to wrap up this post, I just felt like sharing.
Both talking to Jesus and saying structured prayers, like the Our Father or Hail Mary.
I have asked people to pray for me in a wide arrange of topics and I know that there have been people that have prayed for me using their own discernment of what I needed prayer for.
I pray for people.
I have developed a prayer journal where I list the people I need/want to pray for and I try to carve out a few moments everyday to read the pages.
Its nothing fancy or sacred. Its a small notebook from target. My kids at various times have gotten ahold of it and it has had pages torn out, that are now loose in the note book. It has scribbles in it and food stains as well. I keep it ontop of our little 13inch TV in our room.
Its not a holy spot set up for formal meditation. It is a place that my notebook landed when I was trying to keep it away from my kids, which still works since my kids eyes aren't that tall yet. But it has become the home for my "prayer time." My kids still cant reach it and it is tall enough to be comfortable for me to read standing up.
I don't have a set time each day to pray out of my prayer journal. It happens when it catches my eye as I am walking through my room, usually with Bailey in my arms trying to pick up the house.
I recently had someone ask me something that I have NEVER had anyone ask me and it has left a lasting impression on me.
"HOW CAN WE PRAY FOR YOU?"
as in what do you want us to pray for you about? I guess we as people are sometimes bashful in asking for specific prayer or we complain about something and ask people to pray for us in a broad sense. But I have never thought to ask someone what they want ME to pray for them about. like a shopping list , "hey I'm going to the store do you need anything?" "yeah can you pick me up a loaf of bread... the daily bread by trader joes, green label, its on the bottom shelf, second rack from the dips" specific like that.
It has got me thinking alot more about prayer and has made me reflect alot more on what is God's will for my life at this time. I often feel like I am battling what God wants me to do. I cant imagine myself doing anything other than what I'm doing(OK well I sometimes FANTASIZE about doing something else but I cant imagine myself actually doing it) but I often feel like I'm failing at what I am currently doing and there in lies the struggle, the battle. I don't have any clever sentence to wrap up this post, I just felt like sharing.
Friday, April 22, 2011
a fun mom
my last post i expressed my "struggle" with being a good mom. its been much of the same for the past few weeks. today though was a GOOD day... a day that i haven't had in a VERY long time. i was calm, i didn't yell very much, i ENJOYED my kids for most of the day, even when things got a little crazy, i was able to come back to being the "fun" mom that i want to be. I was able to be silly and funny. Zerrell and i had some great conversations today too, even when she was correcting me with her 4year old logic. "its not a sword fish mom, its a long nose pointy fish"
She wanted to finger paint her play house, i let her, it got a little crazy, i stayed calm, she asked to paint my face and i said YES... i even shocked myself when i said YES.. and it was so fun that she and i were laughing hysterically together which made Harper start laughing too... so today i was a fun mom and it felt really good to actually ENJOY my kids
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
today has not been any better but i recived this in my email from a family member and it made me laugh so im sharing it now!
*** Adult Truths ***
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
*** Adult Truths ***
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
struggling
its been a bad week. ive struggled... all week. as a mom, as a wife, as a woman and as Brigid. 3 kids is HARD. and i dont know if it is 3 kids or MY 3 kids. I go to bed everynight feeling like i have failed. and dreading the next day, hell even dreading going to bed THAT night, in fear that my kids will keep me up, ill get no rest and have to go into the next day already pissed off. i dont like this place that i am in. im not sure what the solution is... i have so many feelings and emotions and its all too much to try and put into words. my desire/want/goal is to be a good mom and ENJOY my kids and i just feel SOOOO far away from that place right now.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
a mans job
I've been doing my own laundry since i was 8. i moved out when i 18. i ran a million dollar business for 3 years. i am a very independent woman. i believe in equality. i rarely ask for help with things i can do myself. with all that said, i believe in marriage the man has certain jobs. its not like ted and i purposefully sat down and discussed what our "jobs" would be in this marriage, i mean we did on BIG things, but not necessarily on little things. what i think is most interesting is that we have fallen into these "jobs" with hardly any discussion or objections. There are jobs that we share, SEVERAL(too many to name or even mention) jobs that i do and BIG jobs that ted does like providing for us so i can stay home (and do the SEVERAL jobs).
SO here are the assumed jobs that Ted does as the "man":
take out the trash
put the trash cans out on trash day
unclog the toilet
put gas in the car
pick up the dog poop
mow the lawn
get me water when i ask
change a poopy diaper when i ask
AND
check strange noises no matter what time i here them
all these things i have listed are things i CAN do and HAVE done by myself and on occasion still do. but they are things that i, as a married woman,expect ted to do, and ted, as the husband, does without question or without me having to ask him to do. I have to say that i think that part of the reason this whole situation works so well is that Teds mom and dad taught him how to be a good husband but i wonder if some of it is just part of the male species, like the whole hunter and gather theories between men and woman. so Thank you Ted, for being a great husband!
SO here are the assumed jobs that Ted does as the "man":
take out the trash
put the trash cans out on trash day
unclog the toilet
put gas in the car
pick up the dog poop
mow the lawn
get me water when i ask
change a poopy diaper when i ask
AND
check strange noises no matter what time i here them
all these things i have listed are things i CAN do and HAVE done by myself and on occasion still do. but they are things that i, as a married woman,expect ted to do, and ted, as the husband, does without question or without me having to ask him to do. I have to say that i think that part of the reason this whole situation works so well is that Teds mom and dad taught him how to be a good husband but i wonder if some of it is just part of the male species, like the whole hunter and gather theories between men and woman. so Thank you Ted, for being a great husband!
Monday, March 28, 2011
the night
the night time is my time to refill my personal/mental "bank account." there are often times that i am tired and think"i should just go to bed" but it would mean that i would go to bed with bailey on one side, and harper on the other and even though im sleeping its still depleated my "account" soooo i stay up. i browse the internet, i catch up on my dvr, i write in the kids baby books to keep them updated but first and mostly i EAT. I think about it all evening as im preparing the kids and house for bed. "what should i eat tonight?" i often save special food to eat at night. eating at night is such a joy!
here is why:
i actually GET TO EAT... no one crying or getting hurt to interupt my meal
i get to tak my time eating... normaly i eat pretty fast anticipating someone crying or getting hurt, which would bring us back to the first statement of not getting to finish a meal
and the most enjoyable part of eating at night... I DONT HAVE TO SHARE!
when you are a mom you have no choice but to share everything. your body, your bed, your food, your sanity, your privacy... so getting the chance to enjoy food ALL BY MYSELF with out interuption and without scarfing it down, is what brings me joy.
here is why:
i actually GET TO EAT... no one crying or getting hurt to interupt my meal
i get to tak my time eating... normaly i eat pretty fast anticipating someone crying or getting hurt, which would bring us back to the first statement of not getting to finish a meal
and the most enjoyable part of eating at night... I DONT HAVE TO SHARE!
when you are a mom you have no choice but to share everything. your body, your bed, your food, your sanity, your privacy... so getting the chance to enjoy food ALL BY MYSELF with out interuption and without scarfing it down, is what brings me joy.
Friday, March 25, 2011
my sweet boy
my sweet boy can be SUCH a boy! he is climbing on EVERYTHING and trying to jump off of it! i let my kids do a certain amount of climbing and rough housing but this new exploration with Harper is driving me crazy on top of making me wonder WHEN we will end up in the er. today we were outside and i look over and he is STANDING ON TOP of his little cozy coupe car(the little tyke push with your feet car.)
But my sweet little guy has become more affectionate. i started this thing where when we layed down to nurse at night to go to bed i would give him a hug and a kiss and say i love you first. well tonight we were going to bed and i just layed down to start nursig him and he said no. he then gave me a hug and a kiss and said luv you. oh so sweet.
but im sure tomorrow will be more climbing and jumping and screaming. with snotty noses and dirty faces.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
single vs mom
when you are single and spend the day in your pajama's it means you've had a good day off relaxing, lounging around. when your a mom and stay in your pj's all day it means you've had a BAD day.
when you are single and put your hair into a messy pony tail, its cute and fun. when you are a mom ad put your hair into ANY sort of pony tail it means you have given up trying to have nice hair.
when you are single and have ice cream for breakfast it means that you are young and dont have to care for anyone or set an example of whats healthy. when you are a mom and have ice cream for breakfast it means you had a BAD day yesterday and today doesnt look any better
When you are single and sleep depprived it means either you partied to hard or were up having wild sex all night. when you are a mom and have been up all night it means you probally have some sort of kids bodily fluid on you.
when you are single and put your hair into a messy pony tail, its cute and fun. when you are a mom ad put your hair into ANY sort of pony tail it means you have given up trying to have nice hair.
when you are single and have ice cream for breakfast it means that you are young and dont have to care for anyone or set an example of whats healthy. when you are a mom and have ice cream for breakfast it means you had a BAD day yesterday and today doesnt look any better
When you are single and sleep depprived it means either you partied to hard or were up having wild sex all night. when you are a mom and have been up all night it means you probally have some sort of kids bodily fluid on you.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
day 2
not much to empty out of my tired brain today. its been a hard day, proceeded by a hard night. everyone is asleep again, im dreading going to bed...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
the shower
i think of the best bloggs in the shower. but by the end of my day when i sit down to write all the thoughts that have been swirling in my head, all the opinions, all the rants ive never said out loud... my brain has turned to mush and i cant form an intelligent sentnce to save my life...maybe that is the introverted side of my brain that is DONE will all the talking and noise of the day.
But i have a desire to write, i enjoy writing. I feel like parts of ME are being lost in the chaos of having 3 kids and so i have started this blog to try and keep a little of ME floating on the surface as aposed to letting it sink to the bottom.
I hope to write each day to get my juices flowing. here it goes... day one... check
But i have a desire to write, i enjoy writing. I feel like parts of ME are being lost in the chaos of having 3 kids and so i have started this blog to try and keep a little of ME floating on the surface as aposed to letting it sink to the bottom.
I hope to write each day to get my juices flowing. here it goes... day one... check
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